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Be The Person You Want To Meet
It’s easy to make a list of what you want in a perfect mate — in fact, I think it’s a great place to start because it is easy— but you can’t stop there.
Knowing what you want is only half the story. Knowing who you are, and what you have to offer is a big part of the other half — and sometimes the more part. For many people, it’s easy to dream up the perfect partner. It’s almost like shopping and using filters for gender, age, height, weight, religion, job, part of the world they live, etc.
But when you realize you want to marry a self made billionaire, with homes in Monaco, Malibu and Berlin, who speaks only Swedish — but you’re a barista in Brooklyn who rarely gets out of the house, you’ve got a big discrepancy between who you are and who you want because the way you’re going to meet that person isn’t immediately obvious.
I’m not saying you can’t follow your dreams, but you need to really be the person who can make your dreams come true, and if you aren’t, that’s the best place to invest your energy and make changes.
I hear from lots of men and women with complaints about dating who post long winded questions on my relationship forum, detailing the problems with people they’re dating, and the dynamics they encountered that aren’t working for them.
It’s easy to point fingers, but to look in the mirror and ask yourself what your contribution to the relationship is — good or bad — is much more difficult, and much less intuitive. And yet, that’s a big part of relationship success. Get out of your own head and think about what that other person you’ve conjured up in your mind — or have manifested in a real date — is looking for! If he or she is a 10 and you’re a 4, do you really think this will work, and why? If he’s an intellectual living in Berlin and you’re watch Cartoon Network religiously and have never left your hometown in Passaic, New Jersey, do you really think this is going to work, and why?
Empathizing with what the type of person you want to date would be looking for in a date for him or herself, is tricky business and it’s crucial to your dating success.
The very last step in finding relationship and dating success is to make the changes in your own life that allow you to become the person your dream date wants to date — but since you don’t know that person yet, and you, yourself conjured him or her up, the best thing you can do for yourself is to become the person YOU would want to date if you were that dream date.
Would you want to date someone who lives in sweats and tee shirts? Would you want to date someone who isn’t successful or creative? Would you want to date someone who lives with their parents? Decide who you want to date — and then be that person. Want to date someone who takes care of their body? Then join a gym or buy a bike and use it!
Want to date someone who’s stylish and graceful in every social situation imaginable? Then get your wardrobe ready, your manners polished and start getting out and interacting in those situations where you’d want your dream date to be facile. Take a political science course so you can talk politics with more confidence. Start going to lectures or fundraisers where you’d want the person you dream of dating to be comfortable and well known.
It takes some effort and some energy to be that person you want to date — but the payoff is huge. You will become someone you, yourself would want to date — and chances are good that you’ll meet that person you’re trying to become — while you’re trying to become them.