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Inspirational Quotes

91 Funny Quotes and Sayings To Give You a Laugh and Brighten Your Day

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funny quotes and sayings

Sometimes, we all just need a little laugh to brighten our day and turn it around. It is surprising how such a short and simple thing can change our mood, lift us out of a funk, and get us headed back in the right direction. Below are 100 funny quotes and sayings that hopefully will do just that.

Some will resonate with you, and others will not. But if a few do, write them down and have them around to refer to when you need a little pick-me-up. What a simple way to brighten your day!

 

Funny Quotes and Sayings About Life

1.) A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools. – Douglas Adams

2.) Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes. – Frieda Norris

3.) Always remember that true beauty comes from within: from within bottles, jars, compacts, and tubes. – Peter’s Almanac

4.) Committee – a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours. – M. Berle

funny quotes and sayings usb5.) If you have something to say and say nothing, you are really telling a lie. – Ashleigh Brilliant

6.) I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.  – Woody Allen

7.) It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate. – Dave Barry

8.) Fashion is what you adopt when you don’t know who you are. – Quentin Crisp

9.) I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. – Lily Tomlin

10.) Why do people say “no offense” when they’re about to offend someone? – Author Unknown

11.) Why is it when we talk to God we’re praying, but when God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic? – Lily Tomlin

12.) You have to be careful if you don’t know where you’re going because you might not get there. – Yogi Berra

13.) You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there. – George Burns

14.) Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? – Edgar John Bergen

15.) When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car. – Anonymous

16.) I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.  – A. Whitney Brown

17.) I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. – Douglas Adam

18.) I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception. – Groucho Marx

19.) I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. – Les Dawson

20.) I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose. – Dennis Miller

21.) If at first you do not succeed, then skydiving is surely not meant for you. – Author Unknown

22.) If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success. – Author Unknown

funny quotes and sayings work23.) If it weren’t for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn’t get any exercise at all. – Joey Adams

24.) If you are not living life on the edge then you are taking up too much space. – Author Unknown

 

Funny Quotes and Sayings About Love

25.) “I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.”- Jimmy Carter

26.) I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That’s deep enough. What do you want? An adorable pancreas? – Jean Kerr

27.) Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law. – Hubert Humphrey

28.) An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. – Agatha Christie

29.) He taught me housekeeping; when we divorce I keep the house. – Zsa Zsa Gabor

30.) Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off. – Ralph Bus

31.) If you can’t go over it or through it, you’d better negotiate with it. – Ashleigh Brilliant

32.) It is not necessary to understand, or believe, things in order to argue about them. – Pierce Caronde Beaumarchin

funny quotes and sayings insomnia meme33.) Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos. – Homer Simpson

34.) Look how often the unexpected happens — yet we still never expect it. – Ashleigh Brilliant

35.) Sticks and stones may break my bones but words … words might hurt me deeply, causing great emotional, mental, and psychological damage leading to a lowered self-esteem and decreased work-related efficiency.  – Anonymous

36.) Shopping is better than sex. At least if you’re not satisfied, you can exchange it for something you really like. – Adrienne Gusoff

37.) Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage. – Ambrose Bierce

38.) My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. – Jimmy Durante

39.) No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying. – Author Unknown

40.) Possible reason that I don’t believe in fate is that I wasn’t fated to. – Ashleigh Brilliant

41.) One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important. – Bertrand Russell

42.) Nobody goes where the crowds are anymore. It’s too crowded. – Yogi Berra

43.) No, I don’t have a solution, but I certainly admire the problem. – Ashleigh Brilliant

44.) Strike while your employer has a big contract.  – Author Unknown

45.) Tact is the art of making guests feel at home when that’s really where you wish they were.  – George E. Bergman

46.) The conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. – Arthur Bloc

47.) The making of a journalist: no ideas and the ability to express them.  – Karl Kraus

funny quotes and sayings hobby48.) The trouble with children is that they’re not returnable. – Quentin Crisp

49.) The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we hold of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us. – Quentin Crisp

50.) This woman did not fly to extremes; she lived there. – Quentin Crisp

51.) Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe. – Albert Einstein

52.) When children are doing nothing, they are doing mischief. – Henry Fielding

 

53.) “I haven’t reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.” – Ilie Nastase

 

More Funny Quotes and Sayings

54.) If you love your job, you haven’t worked a day in your life. – Tommy Lasorda

55.) The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone else he can blame it on. – Robert Bloch

56.) I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names. – Demitri Martin

57.) When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. – Henny Youngman

58.) Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped. – Anonymous

59.) I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. – Henny Youngman

60.) I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell. – Garry Shandling

61.) You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen; it said ‘Parking Fine.'” – Tommy Cooper

funny quotes and sayings chips62.) “If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, and then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that!” – Milton Jones

63.) “Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don’t generate a lot of interest.” – Anonymous

64.) I hate when old people poke you at a wedding and say “you’re next”. So next time I was at a funeral I poked them and said “you’re next”.

65.) I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. – Demetri Martin

66.) USA Today has come out with a new survey. Apparently three out of every four people make up 75 percent of the population. – Dave Letterman

67.) For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. – Anonymous

68.) When people ask me how many people work here, I say, about a third of them – Lisa Kennedy Montgomery

69.) I never let my schooling interfere with my education – Anonymous

70.) Hurricanes are like women: when they come, they’re wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car.

71.) I can resist everything except temptation – Oscar Wilde

72.) I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer. – Douglas Adams

73.) Then the nurse asks me, “how would you rate your pain?” four stars! Two enthusiastic thumbs up! – Brian Regan

74.) Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. – Wendell Johnson

75.) I think the problem with people like that is that they’re so stupid they don’t know how stupid they are… – John Cleese

76.) Chocolate doesn’t ask silly questions. Chocolate understands!

77.) Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours. – Yogi Berra

78.) I have no further use for America. I wouldn’t go back there even if Jesus Christ was president. – Charles “Charlie” Chaplin

funny quotes and sayings sad guy meme79.) Money doesn’t buy you happiness but it’s nicer to cry in a Mercedes than on a bike.

80.) I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.” – Rodney Dangerfield

81.) Having friends is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it but you’re the only one to feel the warmth it brings.

82.) It isn’t the ups and downs that make life difficult; it’s the jerks. – Charles “Charlie” Chaplin

83.) Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy. – Albert Einstein

84.) I love lamp. – Steve Carell, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

85.) A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. – Winston Churchill

 

Which of these funny quotes and sayings are your favorite?

When days are gray and everything seems to be failing, sometimes, a funny phrase is all you need. I hope that you had as much fun reading and picking a favorite, as much as I had collecting them.

Keep smiling!