Search for more Everyday Power
A child’s process of creating a Constructed Self begins unconsciously as a result of the breach of the Continuum. The Continuum is the foundation of the human experience. The expectation of the Continuum is ingrained in every child’s DNA, and is an integral aspect of Whole Self.
On an unconscious, feeling level, children, at birth, expect unconditional love, nurturing, and safety from their parents. In short, they unconsciously expect to experience conditions outside the womb. This means they look forward to their every need for food, safety, emotional connection, and physical contact to be continuously and unconditionally met.
There are no “bad” babies. There are only babies whose needs and expectations are NOT being met.
When these unconscious, biological expectations and yearnings are not satisfied, when children are only conditionally loved and they are disrespected or disapproved of by their parents, children feel there is something wrong with the elemental, intuitive Whole Self state of being. This, in turn, initiates the frightening and disorienting feeling that they do not belong.
At this point, children begin the unconscious, stressful process of abandoning the Whole Self and create a different self that they hope their parents will unconditionally approve of. Like a heat-seeking missile, children begin forming a Constructed Self.
Each Constructed Self is designed to procure the unconditional love, nurturing, respect, safety, and feelings of belonging our species has evolved to expect. Every Constructed Self is different.
Each design is carefully crafted to gain whatever love, nurturing, safety, respect, or attention is available in the child’s particular home. Our Constructed Selves are as unique as our fingerprints.
Children and the Constructed Self
As you can see, the Constructed Self is the product of our alienation from our natural state of being, the Whole Self. It overshadows, clouds, and obstructs the Whole Self in order to gain love or attention.
Examples of this include:
- The performance-driven Constructed Self.
- The competitive Constructed Self.
- The lovable Constructed Self.
- The pleasing Constructed Self.
- The responsible Constructed Self.
- The reckless Constructed Self.
- The no-bother Constructed Self.
- The perfectionist Constructed Self.
Specific examples in any general category, including these just mentioned, are as varied as the households that are their sources. When parents do NOT respond positively to attempts to generate the love, nurturing, safety, or respect that a child is missing, the child will create a Constructed Self: a chiseled instrument designed to focus attention on them.
Constructed Selves may cause a person to act in ways that are, for example, hateful, weak and helpless, stubborn, chronically ill, resistant, righteous, enraged, violent, funny, rebellious, and the list goes on.
In extreme cases, when parents remain unresponsive or simply don’t care, children will raise the ante to any level necessary to cause a reaction. This includes perpetrating acts of barbarity, sadism, or cruelty on animals, themselves, or other people. Children will go to great lengths to meet their deep need for individual attention, or to get their very existence affirmed. To be invisible is like death.
A person in a state of Constructed Self never feels a sense of belonging and goes through life yearning to belong somewhere, somehow. Seeking to belong can result in a variety of uncomfortable emotions such as fear, anxiety, resistance, stress, drive, rage, anger, competition, and neediness.
But once a person acknowledges there is something wrong, missing, or out of harmony, the next question is: “Compared to what?” In fact, when we ask this question, we are unknowingly comparing our state of discomfort to the tranquility of the Whole Self that is latently present in each of us.
As people evolve from childhood through adulthood, their chiseled Constructed Selves will impact every stage and every moment of their lives. The yearning for what was missing in the childhood Continuum will leave each child with feelings of free-floating anxiety, dissatisfaction, and neediness – leading to continual seeking. Often, these feelings are the source of compulsive, obsessive, and addictive behaviors.
Their Constructed Selves, whether positive or negative, leave people feeling insecure and unsure of themselves. At least on an unconscious level, they know the selves they are projecting are artificial and untrue.
As the Constructed Self requires continuous vigilance and incredible energy to maintain, those who identify with it, when they return to their unclouded Whole Selves, feel an immediate sense of relief, tranquility, and well-being.
In returning to the Whole Self, they are making the choice of truth: to be exactly who they are with no pretense. It takes no energy simply to be ourselves.
Remember that Whole Self exists in our evolutionary DNA. It is the primordial condition of being human as we were before the Shift that gave us the ability to think abstractly. Whole Self is present in each one of us. It is present in you and me. However, we have clouded and shadowed it by altering aspects of ourselves.
As we learn to identify these altered aspects of ourselves and harmonize how we think and act with our Whole Selves, we can correctly interpret the world around us and be empowered to respond spontaneously – and appropriately – to anything that life hands us.
In doing so, we experience a return to the sense of well-being that emanates from our natural state of being: Whole Self.