Search for more Everyday Power
By the time you meet an independent woman, she has already learned the value of self-reliance and hard work – and this can’t help but transcend into other areas of her life.
It is challenging for independent girls to allow themselves to be vulnerable in a relationship and fall in love, particularly in a world in which they have learned to work hard for equality and beware of players.
The same survival skills that make her a fierce, independent woman, can also result in some high barriers with intimate relationships. For the independent woman to fall in love, she must allow herself to become vulnerable enough to do so. She has to take a risk. She’s not going to do that for just any chump.
Here are some expectations BEFORE dating independent girls – and why they usually struggle in falling in love.
Things to Expect BEFORE Dating Independent Girls:
1) Irrevocable Pain
She’s fallen in love before and still carries traces of the pain from that relationship not working. Some relationship wounds cause long-term scars and she’s protecting herself from more injuries. She wears armor instead of band-aids.
2) Energy and Time Conservation
Independent girls are hard workers. Often, one of the costs of all of this hard work is increased responsibilities in the world that compete for personal time and precious energy. She doesn’t want to waste either resource on the possibility of a dead-end relationship. There needs to be more signage for this stuff!
WARNING: DEAD END, or Caution: Time-Sucking Energy Drain, TURN AROUND WHEN POSSIBLE.
3) Fear of Compromising Her Independence
Independence is hard-earned. She doesn’t want to risk getting involved with someone who may try to squash that part of her. Not that she wants to do it all alone in this world, but she requires a forward-thinking partner who isn’t going to try to control her. As if she’d put up with that.
4) Would Rather Be Alone Than Be with The Wrong Person
She’s been set up by well-intentioned friends before, and wow, did they get it wrong! It’s not about being with someone: for the independent woman, it’s about being with the right someone. She may have had too many “wrongs” and will not make the mistake of assuming that this is any different.
5) Not Ready for The “Next Step”
Independent girls have already “arrived” and may not see a long-term committed relationship as being that crucial to her well-being. She wants a partner, she wants love, but may NOT be ready to jump into planning a future with someone or settling down yet.
She may also be considering relocating, which would make a serious relationship difficult to maintain. The days of women being desperate to land a husband are gone. Independent women are selective and not in a rush.
6) May Have a Different Vision for Her Future
Increasingly in our culture, women who don’t want children are being more open about that decision. Most DO want a long-term relationship, but are hesitant to get seriously involved only to discover their partner may ultimately want kids.
7) She Doesn’t Want Drama
Independent girls are reluctant to get involved if she senses a partner brings a dump-truck load of drama in the form of lurking ex’s or baby-mama stress. She expects that her partner will have stuff managed and relatively drama-free.
8) Protecting Her Children
Independent girls who are single parents have the additional responsibility of protecting their children from undue pain. A single parent may be reluctant to allow herself to fall in love for fear of the relationship NOT working out and her children being harmed in the process.
Plus, she may be wary of bringing the wrong person into her children’s life; worrying that he may end up being abusive in some way as the relationship progresses.
9) Fear of Being Used
Self-reliance is hard-earned and a source of pride for independent girls. She got here because she worked hard. If she senses that a prospective partner isn’t a hard worker, she may fear that he will become dependent on her resources. A woman wants to know that her partner works as hard as she does and doesn’t see her as a meal ticket.
10) Fear of Rejection
Independent girls face obstacles and have to power through them all the time. No one likes to be rejected. But to an independent woman, rejection can feel like a highly personal criticism, particularly when she is working hard to keep everything going in her life.
Steps Independent Girls Can Take To Allow Themselves To Fall In Love:
A) Assess for values:
Do you respect what he stands for? Does he represent characteristics you honor? How does he treat others? How does he treat you?
If he has children, what are those relationships like? Do you like him as a friend? What does he bring out in you that you enjoy? Any red flags (substance abuse, anger issues, emotional instability, etc.)? Are you attracted to his mind, body, and spirit?
B) Be in the moment:
Independent women often resort to analyzing situations to remain in control in varying aspects of life. Not a bad skill set to have – and it works. In relationships however, this tendency can suck the fun right out of the moment entirely.
Work on mindfulness and check in with all of your senses while you are together. This may help alleviate some of the urge to over-think his choice of wine, or the way he paused between words two sentences ago. Save the analysis for when you are alone with your thoughts and can chart it all out on paper (just kidding!).
C) Don’t assume the worst:
Whether you anticipate it or not, you can’t avoid the pain a relationship may bring (unless you avoid them altogether). Vulnerability is difficult for independent girls. But without it, a relationship will likely be fairly self-limiting.
Allowing for some vulnerability may also enable you to connect with a partner in a meaningful way. Trust your resiliency AND your instincts. No matter what, you always have you.
How about you: have you had trouble dating independent girls before?
Tell us your experience in the comments section below!